It’s been a wild month. Remember those “What I Did On My Summer Vacation” essays? Well, in the past 30 days, here’s what’s happened with my friends and family. There’s been…
- One baby
- The announcement of the impending arrival of two more
- One serious illness
- Two deaths
- One wedding
- One regionally published article :)
(And of course, accompanying those things, the unceasing deadlines and insane work schedules that those of us lucky enough to have roughly 14.5 jobs juggle daily.)
Frankly, it’s been enough to make my head spin. It’s hard to be happy for the awesome highs when there are horrible lows happening at the same time. But I guess that’s life. It serves as a reminder that the best day of our lives was the worst day of someone else’s. That’s a pretty powerful and humbling concept, when you think about it. Remembering that might be a key tool for staying empathetic in the long run. Very important.
Anyway, naturally with all that craziness going on, I’ve had ALL the following phrases said to me this month:
Congratulations!
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Is there anything I can do?
Aren’t you so excited?
You have my sympathy.
Hang in there.
Are you okay?
I need your help.
I feel so bad for you.
It’s your turn next!
That’s so inspiring!
I’ve missed you so much.
I'm very thankful for everyone who has shown me support recently and always, but it's definitely made me realize something: When the people in our lives find themselves in any sort of extenuating circumstance, good or bad, we feel the need to SAY SOMETHING. But do we say the right thing? What IS the right thing? And, if we’re just trying to be kind, do we have to worry about finding the PERFECT words?
Um, yeah. I think we should. Or we should at least try! So what DO you say when you don’t know WHAT to say?
Let’s start with empathy, which is ALWAYS the biggest element of effective communication (in my book anyway). But what does that look like? Here’s a Back-To-School themed example format:
Let’s say you run into someone who has just lost a loved one. What should you say?
A. Oh, my gosh! I feel SO bad for you!
B. How are you doing? Do you need anything?
C. I’m so glad to see you! I admire how strong you’ve been through all this. Would you like to talk about it or not right now?
Hmm. Tricky. But yet… Wait. Are you being serious? It’s C ! The only answer here is C !
What do you mean, “Why?” You were going to say B, weren’t you?
There is a very clear reason why C is the best choice. Let me explain. These answers break down simply:
A. Pity- Feeling bad for someone.
B. Sympathy- Feeling bad with someone.
C. Empathy- Truly understanding that person’s struggle.
Understanding, friends. It’s the key to enlightenment.
When I was 14, my dad passed away very suddenly one cold, rainy Monday morning. It was the single biggest shock of my life until… well, for a long time, let’s say. I remember someone stopping my mom and I soon after in a store. She said, (you guessed it) “I feel so bad for you guys!” And even in my 14 year-old naïve and inexperienced brain, I thought, “What a stupid thing to say. I feel bad for YOU.”
You know, when I taught middle school, I used to get upset with the kids when they said unkind things to each other. One day, after I shut down some petty picking, one of little rascals popped back off at me, “We’re kids, we’re not mature and we don’t know what to say all the time!”
And, without really thinking about it, I shot back, “Oh, maturity isn’t knowing what to say. It’s knowing what NOT to say.”
Because of my tone, we all marinated on that for a minute until one of the mini prodigies whispered, “That was a good one, Ms. Morris. For real.”
So, why is “I feel bad for you” a terrible thing to say? Because it’s (not-so-secret) secret code for pity. No one wants to pity themselves or be pitied. Pity makes us feel pathetic. And when the chips are down, there is nothing more infuriating than a drama-loving hype monger.
Ok, fine. So what the heck is wrong with asking how someone is doing or if they need anything? That’s what people do, you say! Here’s where some of you are going to get mad at me. Because caring, loving, wonderful friends ask those questions… because they don’t know what else to say. It’s passive support.
Yesterday, I read an article where Brits were confused that Americans say “How are you?” in the place of “Hello.” I laughed, because we DO do that. We’ll shout “Hey! How are you?!” across a crowded room, and it’s ironic, because we don’t actually want to know how the person is. It’s just a greeting these days.
In fact, we all know those people who don’t seem to understand this social norm and when we go, “How are you?” they actually reply with a detailed account of their well-being! The nerve! Well, I have a sinus infection and my grandma’s in the hospital again...
Is anything more annoying?
For the love of Pete, I don’t care how you are! I just asked how you are! Geez!
Yeah, that’s kinda the problem when something bad is going on and someone asks how you are. You’re like, Do they actually care? If I keep them for more than 30 seconds will they think, “Dammit. I just stopped into the mall to get a new bra and a soft pretzel and now you’re crying. I should have just pretended not to see you on the escalator in the first place!”
“How are you?” doesn’t work. Unless you amend it with: “How are you really doing? How do you feel right this moment about what’s going on? What are you struggling with? Vent. Do it. I’m here and I’m all ears for as long as you need me to be.” What human being DOESN’T need to hear this? I do!
What about that whole “Is there anything I can do?” piece? I don’t recommend it. When you’re the one grieving a death, divorce, job loss, bankruptcy, fall from grace, rejection or any sort of hardship, you don’t want the ball just tossed into in your court!
Here’s the rationale behind: “What can I do?” They know they can’t help. There’s nothing they CAN do. But they say it… I say it, you say it and- let’s admit- it’s a sneakily selfish response, really. The motive is to alleviate our own guilt at not being more actively supportive; oh, and we also know the person won’t actually ask any favors of us.
If you ever asked, “Is there anything I can do?” And a friend replied, “Yeah, will you call my boss? And just talk to him? And, do you have a hundred bucks I could borrow? Is that a new bra? Are you going to finish that soft pretzel?” You’d be like, What! That is not what I meant!
But you ASKED! So do you really want to DO something for that person, or are you just saying the words?
“How are you? Is there anything I can do?” That’s sympathy. Not as insulting as pity, but still not what they need.
Which brings us to our last option. Yeah, the one you ignored because it sounded like empty ingratiation. First of all, if you’re depressed, grieving or even just having a bad day, running into someone (in person, via call, post or text) can make you anxious. If the friend starts by telling you how glad they are see you… that’s a start.
Then! Acknowledge the situation, but do it gracefully. If you’re anything like me, when something bad happens, I either totally want to vent or I don’t want to talk about it. People get that, I think. But then they foul up interactions by assuming where you are in the moment.
Let’s go back to when I was 14. There were the people who were like, “Oh honey! Oh my gosh! Are you okay? I don’t even know how you’re surviving this! Horrible!”
Yeah, I couldn’t stand those drama queens. I was devastated on the inside. It didn’t need to be visibly acted out on the outside. Don’t put YOUR emotional response on the shoulders of those closer to the situation than you.
(And for heaven’s sake, do not ask for daggone prayers for them on Facebook. Oh my goodness. There’s clueless and attention-seeking and then there’s THAT! Nothing is less sacred than social media. Let’s go for quality over quantity in the prayer arena, shall we? Oiy.)
Then there were the people who literally pretended like nothing had happened.
“Did you do the chem homework?”
“Um, no. I was out for a few days. My dad died.”
“Oh, yeah. (awkward pause) It was really hard. The chem homework, that is.”
It was a pretty universal example of how half of the people I know treated me. I don’t know if they couldn’t bring themselves to talk about it or if they thought I couldn’t, but it sure made for a weird year or two there. Don’t ignore the subject completely. It alienates those who are suffering.
And last, but not least. After you’ve told the person you’re happy to see/hear back from them, after you’ve acknowledged the situation, compliment them. Genuinely.
I’ve told you that pity is not support. I’ve shown you why sympathy is not quite enough support. And here it is; in the end, it’s empathy that struggling friends and family need the most.
When someone says they admired my grace, strength and determination in the face of adversity, my ability to embody those qualities increased exponentially. There is such magic in knowing someone believes in you. Not that they feel bad for you or want to technically be supportive while not actually putting in any work. But that they believe in you, empathize with the difficulties you face and respect and admire you as you go through it. That’s support.
So what’s even better than Answer C? Here’s what to say when you don’t know what to say (and there’s only one trick. You’ve gotta mean it.):
- I love you.
- Do you want to talk about it or not talk about it? Either is fine with me.
- You’re one of my best friends and there’s nothing we can’t overcome together.
- I’m here for you any time of the day or night. Do not hesitate to call me. I’ll check on you soon.
- What’s got you the most frustrated in this situation? Let me help you talk through it.
- What is your favorite dinner spot? I want to take you there tonight to de-stress.
- Remember when this was our favorite song? I’m playing it right now and sending good vibes. You’ve always made my life brighter.
- Are the little things overwhelming you? Can I come help you make dinner or do laundry? Do you need anything from the store that I can bring over?
- When I was having a hard time this is what you said to help me: “ _______________”
- You’re such a great role model. A pillar of your family. You’ve got this!
- Do you need to cry? Don’t ever be afraid to cry in front of me.
- Don’t feel like you have to be strong all the time. Take time for yourself.
- When was the last time you took your mind off of all this? Let’s go somewhere.
- I brought you this. I know it’s your favorite. You’ve earned it.
You get the gist. Life is so hard. When I think about the worst days of my life and acknowledge that, realistically, they’re not over yet, I get overwhelmed. It’s important to note that some of the best days of my life haven’t happened yet either. And in the days in between, I feel taxed with a pretty big job- making other people’s worst days better and their best days even more special.
To me, the meaning of family should be a built-in support system, not out of obligation, but out of the purest love. And friendship is almost more special, really. If you’re my friend, I wasn’t raised to love you. I didn’t have to. I chose to. I picked you. And when someone picks us as a friend to support and to be supported by, we have to give them our best. To me, empathy is the best medicine.
So on our inevitable hard days…
I’m not sad for you.
I’m not sad with you.
I’m just with you. Right by your side.
And I hope you know that I’m choosing my words with the utmost care. -Kelly
