Oh, you love your mom? Name three of her albums.
Ah, early summer. It’s just after Mother’s Day and just before Father’s Day- a stretch of veritable parental appreciation celebrations. If you have parents, which many humans do, what are the stand-out pearls of wisdom that they’ve etched into your brain over the years through sheer repetition? Mine sure have well-worn sayings, and my friends’ also do, so why not celebrate parents and share their wise words? After all, mama always said sharing is caring.
Remember in the 90s when you’d say to someone in a Nirvana t-shirt, “I love Nirvana,” and they would haughtily respond with “Oh, so you love Nirvana? You love Kurt? Love Nirv- name three of their albums then!” And you’d be all, “Well, I didn’t say I was a Nirvana archivist. I just meant… nevermind.” (Get it?)
This past Mother’s Day, I saw the funniest thing circulating online. The week prior to, a University of South Carolina professor cleverly tweeted, “Oh, so you love your mom? Name three of her albums.” And half the internet replied with adages their moms had said over the years “until she was blue in the face.” It was hysterical. So naturally, I put together my own family sayings album and asked my friends for theirs. The result is pretty magical. Check it out.
Fun Fact: My own mom’s triple platinum-selling 1995 debut smash, Well, I’m Not Her Mother (I’m Yours), was a veritable parade of chart-toppers.
There are classics collaborations featuring my mom AND YOURS on duets like…
“Do I Need To Get Your Father?”
“I Told You To Clean This Room, Now I’m Getting A Garbage Bag” (explicit version)
“11:06 Is Not 11:00” (#1 for five consecutive years in a row!)
“Why Don’t The Other Parents Ever Drive?”
“I Could Time You With A Calendar”
“It Ain’t Funny and It Ain’t Cute”
…and the eternal “They’re Just Jealous Of You (feat. The Principal)”
She’s also recorded some original workaday anthems for the blue-collar set such as…
“Did Anyone Make This Pizza?”
“I Can’t (I Have Payroll)”
“Bigger Things To Worry About Than Your Pickles”
“Who Cut This Whole Pie?”
…and the chart-topping “Nobody Got The Fish Out"
Multiple other members of my extended family have even sat-in for a set or two on songs like…
“Is That What You’re Going To Wear?” aka “The Walking-Out-The-Door Song”
“It’ll Be Better Before You’re Married”
“Ode To WARSHington DC”
“But Do You Want Your Children To Look Like Him? (Think It Over)”
“Four Boxes Of Spaghetti, Two Loving Hearts”
"I Guaran-DAMN-tee It"
“Suite: Songs To Red Up A Room To”
“Newspaper: I Spent The Extra Three Bucks On The Gift”
“You Think You’re Tough? (I’m Your Huckleberry)”
“Sweet 23: Won’t Anybody Marry You?” (feat. Gramma and The Aunts)
“Go Outside And Practice Falling Down, I’ll Be Right Out”
“Look! It’s My Fourth Prettiest Granddaughter”
“Golden (Rule) Girls”
“Eat That Or I’ll Mail It To The Poor Korean Orphans” (feat. Actual Envelopes)
“Everyone Puts On A Little Weight Now And Again”
“The Kitty-Honey Shuffle”
“Want Me To Cut It Off (If It Hurts That Bad)?”
“Birthday Money (I’m Sick Of Paying You People To Be Alive)”
…and the remastered Italian classic “Lickins With The Wooden Spoon” (feat. Everyone)
Now, my friends also weighed in on their family’s collaborations and solo albums. Here were some of their biggest smashes, from other genres.
Country
“I Brought You Into This World, I Can Take You Out”
“Don’t You Go Takin’ Any Wooden Nickels”
“Let’s Get Putzed Tonight”
“I’ll Give You Something (To Cry About)”
“Granny’s Anthem: Fat, Sassy and Sexy"
“Guess What (There’s A Dead Horse In The Tub)”
…and the unforgettable “I’ll Put Lumps On You Faster’n You Can Rub ‘Em”
Easy Listening/Crooners
“Because I Said So”
“Hand Me My Pocketbook”
“God Only Gives You What You Can Handle”
“Capiche?”
“Wondering n’ Wandering”
“Buckle Up, Baby, Please”
…and from the other side of the pond, comes the Norwegian-translated Scandinavian single track “It Looks Like A Bombed Whore House In Here” – Solid gold, if not totally easy-listening.
Rap/R&B
“Can’t Never Could”
“Say Your Prayers”
“Playin’ The Field Like A Field Playa Should”
“Buncha Lil Shitzers” (feat. Lil Shitz)
…and the club bumpin’ title track “Too Big For My Britches”
And, admittedly, I’ve got my own album. Expect tunes such as these to be flying up the charts any day now!
“What Else Is New In America?”
“Silence Is Golden… And So Is Chardonnay”
“Cats and Anaphylaxis”
“Not Trying To Bother You (But...)” (the full rock opera)
“Rumor Mill Comin’ Round Again”
“I Can’t Even”
“Thanks For The Update”
“I Smell A Blog (Get My Perfume)”
“I Might Spiral”
“How Many Carbs Are In Shiraz?”
“Pretty Sure He Hates Me”(the 2017 remix)
“Yep, 33 And No Kids”
What’s the point of this exercise? Well. Words are one of the most lasting legacies we leave. As a teacher, I’ve had kids quote back things I’ve said to my complete shock. Uhh, did I really say that? How did they even remember it? But they did. As children, we absorbed the words of our grandparents and parents like little sponges. As parents and family members we will leave the same long-term impression. When you speak to a child, you’re speaking to the future, and you’re casting your words into the future with them. Very important.
Writing this post has helped me remember people I miss and the words they said that I can still carry with me. It’s helped me learn which sentiments shape who my friends are. What a gift to be able to share these words of wisdom, hilarity and charity with friends, family and all manner of readers! You know, we might roll our eyes at the things others say because they seem trite or antiquated or inapplicable, but the most important part is the listening. AND the responding. You know, we get all high on our own horses when it comes to the words of others, and the most detrimental thing we can do is not respond at all. If that person- who said something you didn’t like, didn’t understand, didn’t care about, didn’t know how to react to- was gone tomorrow, you’d wish you’d said SOMETHING. And remember, that could happen tomorrow. There are just no guarantees in life. Imagine if someone went out of this world hurt over being ignored by you. Or thinking their words didn’t matter- to you. Could you live with that?
Use your words to create your legacy.
Remember others’ words to continue theirs.
Never let anything go unanswered.
And always, ALWAYS listen to mom and dad.
Happy summer to all the mommas and dads out there!
-Kelly